4 ‘ADVANCED PLAYER’ Moves To Level Up your Relationships
Inspect what you and others Reflect
One of the greatest gifts in relationships is the ability to see what we are unwilling or unable to see on our own. Relationships bring out our best and sometimes our worst qualities right? The trick is not to shoot the messenger: If you spot it, you got it. A very sobering and often inconvenient truth is that anything we see (good or bad) and perceive that another is “making us feel” is but a mirror of what is inside of us. That boss that is demeaning is simply reflecting an inner critic that we may be feeding unconsciously and thus leaking our power. That partner that never meets our needs reflects an inner aspect that needs more TLC from us. The medicine is when we own this knowing and choose to learn and grow not blame and sustain victim mode. When we receive this medicine, so much healing occurs within our trust and connection within self, others and life. We become less separate and we can truly relate with others in the heart space. We can see them as wise teachers and profound catalysts for our own awakening. One of the ways I do this is to truly see everyone in my life as actors in my play, trying to help me learn and unlearn exactly what I need to be my best self.
“Polarization is the chism of not seeing yourself in another. Anti-polarization is learning to see yourself in another. “
Advanced Player actions:
Reflect on anything inspiring that you see in others with the knowledge that this too is within you. Does it need more acknowledgment and expression from you?
Reflect on anything that is triggering in those around you? Where might you need to take a look under the hood?
2. All external issues are solved by internal solutions
So often when we are in the midst of experiences with others that are frustrating, painful and polarizing we desperately need them or the situation to shift for us to regain peace or to receive what we want. It never seems to work does it? The only person we have regence over is ourselves and so if we want things to change we must look within for the options.
How are we contributing to what is unfolding? How can we show up differently and try on some new approaches?
This can start with how we are perceiving “the problem”- “Aha, this is an opportunity to unlearn an unhealthy method of relating to this situation. What is available for me now? We all learned relationship patterns from our family of origin and most of them simply are not worth repeating because we are always evolving. We drive ourselves and others crazy when we do the same things over and over and expect that the issues we face will shift magically. The magic bullet is actually staying fresh and aware of what is working and what simply is not.
Advanced player move:
Instead of trying to shift others, shift how you respond. When you respond differently the habituated patterns found with another can shift too.
3. Choose your assumptions: choose your experience
One of the greatest challenges when we are hurt by another’s action is to take it personally. We assume they meant to offend us, to manipulate us or do whatever our protective mind is yelling so that we can defend ourselves. Hurt people do hurt people, but rarely do they actually maliciously do it. And, let’s be honest. We have all been hurt! My experience has shown me that we all have emotional wounds that play out in relationships so that we can heal and integrate new belief systems about ourselves. One of the greatest perspective hacks I learned was the MGI (most generous perspective). This is an immediate de-escalator for your nervous system and can be a game changer when in comes to conflict. When we assume that the other person did not mean to hurt us but that they are doing their best and most likely their intention and impact may not have aligned with ours, we invite in the space for a larger perspective and for seeing more than just our side. You will never know if someone is trying to hurt you but when you assume they are not, you free yourself of the often unnecessary armor that only keeps you distant from the other that most likely wants the same love, acceptance and peace as you do-just maybe going about it differently.
Advanced Player action:
Adopt a MGI(MOST GENEROUS INTERPRETATION) for others’ action. Instead of why are they doing this to me-depersonalize the story. What if they too are doing the best can?
4. Know when to wipe the mirror clean
There is a fine line between using relationships to grow and choosing to stay in relationships that keep us stuck and do not reflect an inspiring vision of our worth and value. All relationships provide the opportunity to expand our perspectives of ourselves and life and yet some relationships can morph into mechanisms to keep our wounds fresh. The proof is in the overall effect: life enhancing or life diminishing. Some of my best teachers were relationships that were very painful and I always knew when I allowed them outstay their welcome in my field because they caused prolonged suffering: I stopped growing and felt stuck.
“Everything is useful but not everything is necessary. “
Advanced player action:
Determine when something has matured in its value to your growth and be willing to part ways with it in gratitude. When you love, accept and release something for what it is, it can fulfill what it was meant to be. Some relationships are bus stops not final destinations.
I hope these advanced player moves will support your tipping of the scales to greater fulfillment in all your relationships. I feel life has given me a pHD in relationships in my various experiences within relational success and failure that led to my most profound awakenings. What is your next move?
Love,
~ Jill