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ARMCHAIR REFLECTION #2: "Pointless" Presence

These series of reflections are inspired by my unexpected injury in Trinidad and Tobago that has caused me to bound to my arm chair leg propped up and still for the time being and forced to relate to reality differently. I hope these reflections inspire you to open your mind to new ways to invite in the present. 

I never noticed how busy and distracted I was with life until I wasn't. One of the most challenging stages of my injury is the presence of the non-doing aspect of my existence. Some days the only thing I have to do is go to the doctor. Other days I get to go to the studio and teach a class seated and immobile (contrary to what I prefer). I get small doses of doing and giving but not the quantity I feel comfortable with. So much of my day is sitting and doing really nothing at all (atleast nothing I deem "productive").  It is interesting to allow this into my presence as I push it away so readily eagerly seeking something to "do". I notice upon meeting this "non-doing" that I feel guilt. I am not really helping anyone, performing a job, contributing, or feeding my "busyness". In fact I am doing the opposite, I am receiving a lot. 

I also notice the non-doing leading me to feeling worthless at times. What is the point to my day? What is the excitement in waking up to sit around and watch the day go by? What is there to look forward to? Again, I notice an anxious feeling that I want so desperately to feed with some "doing".  This worthlessness at times makes it hard to take the necessary care of my injury that it asks for. Am I worthy of just allowing this time for myself to heal and provide self care (doing for self) and let that by my doing? This is an different way of doing that is outside my norm. 

It makes me pause to see how much of my day is filled and gratified by a presence that  allows mainly for external "doing".  In that reality the objective is then is to "do" the thing and then to "do" the next thing and it never ends. I notice that this can keep me more future focused, planning the next thing or going to the next place in never arriving into this moment. In my sitting and non-doing, now the tables are turned. I am squared up to  the present and in this place there is a lot of space and ambiguity. No control and no certainty.  If my current "point" is not to do something am I really "pointless" or is this fixation with "doing" an escape route for the present. In this present I have to meet all that is occurring around me without my participation. I am an observer and my ego is smaller. If I cannot latch onto the next "thing" then I must be able to sit in spaciousness of the vastness that is way bigger than me. I think this is why we avoid the present so much. It gives us a view of reality that we aren't and all this doing is not the end all be all and what do we do with that? I am sitting still and doing nothing and the earth is still spinning, day and night are still occurring and the birds are still chirping, It begets a larger question that need not be answered but possibly just observed and allowed to pass along. I hope to find a way to find more peace in this present moment of just being. Perhaps it is the path to healing the guilt and worthiness wounds that never really heal from our external doing. Maybe this struggle and surrender is to open me to include myself in the vastness of life that is way more than just doing. Maybe the present is way fuller that I imagined.

 

Later Event: June 22
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